My grandmother passed away today at about noon. It was, I am told, relatively painless, and since it came at the end of a long illness and my mother and grandfather were there with her, it could be worse.

A large part of me has been expecting this since Mom flew out Saturday morning, so it feels as if I did my preliminary mourning then (small bout of tears in the middle of a completely unrelated conversation). Now, I just feel kind of hollow, like there should be emotions there that aren't. I'll admit that I was never particularly close to my grandparents (my mother's parents; my father's had both died before I was born), but shouldn't I feel something?

Or maybe it's just that I've cried myself out over the last two years over the minor heartbreaks that come with depression, and I'm empty. Where do you buy refill emotions? Staples, next to the ink cartridges?

I realized, too, that almost all of the strong memories I have of my grandmother are stories I was told about her. I know she rode horses bareback before the war, and once went to the beach and made a bikini out of bandannas because she didn't have a swimsuit. I know that my grandfather went AWOL to marry her so she could get out of Europe after the war, and that while she told him he could divorce her once she was in Canada they just never got around to it. I know the stories of her inability to cook and the time she crammed half a dozen steaks into my mother's tiny med school freezer. But these aren't my memories, and I guess that just adds to the disconnect I'm feeling right now.

The funeral is on Friday (we're bending the three-day rule so that it's not on my brother's birthday) at the funeral plot on Long Island. I'm still taking the exam I have scheduled on Wednesday, because putting it off really isn't going to make that much of a difference, anyway. We're driving up to Frostbite Falls tomorrow to pick up my brother; exact arrangements to bring my mother and grandfather up to New York and for us to meet them are still up in the air. Shivah (kind of like a Jewish wake, except really not) will be at our house starting...after the ceremony, I suppose, but Jewish law doesn't really take interstate travel into account.

I guess that's it, then.

My grandmother seems to be doing better. When Mom left her last night, she'd stopped vomiting and she was actually coherent (which is better than when I'd called her a few hours earlier). Mom hasn't decided when she's coming back to MD yet, so we're playing it by ear.

And I really need to get shit done today. All I did yesterday that was useful was take a shower, and I slept late today. Catch-up time.

So, my grandmother is dying.

This isn't a surprise. She's a 90+ Holocaust survivor and has some flavor of COPD (likely from what she experienced at Bergen-Belsen, since she's never smoked a cigarette in her life). She's been unwell for a long time, and recently it's been more of a when than if. Mom had actually just been in the process of arranging hospice care for her.

But my mother woke me up this morning to tell me that my grandmother had been vomiting black (sign of gastric bleeding), and now that when is looking to be soon. So we threw some stuff into a suitcase and she flew down to West Palm where my grandparents are.

Leaving me to coordinate phone calls between here, West Palm, Chicago (where Dad is, at a conference), and Mom en route, and I haven't accomplished much since this morning beyond that and reading a lot of mind-numbing fanfic.

And I have finals next week and colleges to be contacting and the Geekling needs to be picked up from Frostbite Falls in a week and I don't think I'm mentally equipped to handle all this right now.

Dear world, fuck off and die, mkay?

Did another 4 trips over 5 hours with a local zipcar. Now my new apartment is a maze of boxes, trash bags, and paper bags with handles (trash bags mostly because I was too lazy and didn't bother finding real boxes that might have made my life easier.

Probably looked like a crazy bag lady (err, boy) at points, when I was hauling multiple bags up to my new apartment.

Almost done now. There's just the backup bikes at the old apartment, and probably a few knick knacks I've forgotten. And there's trash I need to take out. So I'll be making a few more trips back there.

There's also some sort of bright, shiny tower closer to Menlo Park that I keep seeing from the Palo Alto Caltrain station. Probably a (really, really tall) christmas tree, but it's worth checking out.

Man, next step: sort, clean, and organize the new apartment. I also need a couch now that I actually have a living room-type place...

Yeah, I'm a sheep. I'd use the "meme" icon, but this one fits better, somehow...

If I had a warning label, what would it say?

Have at it!

For those of you who took AP US back in 2002:

Remember heading down to the national mall after the exam? And the sketchy guy who was selling "Kama Sutra" necklaces near the carousel?

I was looking for a watch in my jewelry box. Turns out, I still have that cheap-ass necklace.

The HVAC has come and gone, and we now have heat again! It's going to take a little while for the house to warm up again, but there's warm air coming from the vents.

All is once again right with the world.

So, was woken up this morning by my mother informing me that the furnace was broken*, so now my house's temperature is at 62F and dropping. The HVAC guys are supposed to be coming, but they're dumb and haven't called me yet. I'm currently wearing three layers and camped out in my brother's room, which is the smallest room that is not a bathroom. When I really can't stand it, I have a space heater I can turn on, which will hopefully be enough to keep me a little warmer. Hadn't planned on this. We'll see what happens.

I did, however, have an awesome day yesterday, which, coming on the heels of about a week of remarkably good days, is doing wonders for my mood.

Art hist and music were rather dull, but in American hist I had a presentation, and it went really well. The topic was music during the Vietnam war (anti and pro), and I'd put together a pretty spiffy (if I do say so myself) PowerPoint. To go with said PowerPoint, I'd taken the eight songs I was specifically discussing and snipped them down to just the specific stanza(s) I wanted, which meant I wouldn't have to worry about having to scan through the songs for the exact part. I also had packets with the complete lyrics for each song, which people seemed to actually be looking at. And I got compliments afterward, not just from the prof but from a number of my classmates. I was really, really pleased.

Then I went down to Dupont Circle and met N (formerly of Starbucks), who was passing through DC on her way from Bum-Fuck, Ohio to Miami. We camped out in Teaism and played UpWords, then hung out in Starbucks to talk some more, then wandered around Beadazzled until I had to head out. It was really, really great to see her. Having a social life, even for just a weekend (I got to hang with triannamaxwell on Friday), is really great.

Also, the replacement for the corset I bought at Dragon*Con last year arrived. I think I need to bug Sarah G. to help me make sure it fits, since I think she's the only person I know in the state that knows how to lace it properly. But, it's here, and that makes me gleeful.

My mood has been better since the beginning of last week, much closer to what it should be. I'm still worried that it's a fluke, or that it will go away once my metabolism has caught up with the current meds configuration, but it makes me optimistic that I actually will be ready to go back to school next fall.

Speaking of, I need to start making those phone calls to the various programs. Eep.

*Actually, my brain had already begun the slow crawl toward consciousness, with the thought of Dude, is it cold in here? And yes, my half-awake mind says "dude". I imagine it as a tiny, pot-smoking surfer-boy, which doesn't make any sense. Don't ask, I don't even know.

From my Palo Alto Apartment to San Antonio (officially Mountain View, 94040).

Driven by the failing washing/drying machine and the lack of internet at the old place, I've begun my move.

I think I did 5 trips over the 5 hours, moving about 15 of the 29 large items that had to be moved via car. (Zipcar! Toyota Matrix!)

Now I just need to organize all the smaller items into larger boxes to make moving stuff to/from the car easier. Once I do that, I'll probably get a zipcar again and make another set of 3-4 trips to bring the rest of my knickknacks over. (Mostly clothing, books, wires, and kitchen stuff.)

Total cost: $40 so far.

So I went to UIUC this weekend to watch the J-net fashion show and hang out with friends there. Friends == quite good fun, although people are wandering off, sadly. Show was good - pretty much what was expected, although the skit could have flowed a tad bit better. But the Union ABC rooms have proper lighting rows now! So they can adjust the lights and position them to be more awesome and actually properly cover the stage. Probably with more lights too. *glee* Alas, I won't be back much more often to help out and make it look awesome.

Also, the freshmen are getting smaller. Or I'm getting older and bigger. Gawds, I hope it's not the latter.

Used United Premier status (I've somehow managed to fly over 25K miles this year. Probably due to the trip to Taiwan) to board planes as zone 1. Unsuccessfully tried to standby for an earlier flight. Got to and from Chicago with the help of Denise and her boyfriend, John.

And due to my own incompetence, I completely forgot about my return time and ended up getting a flight that landed 15 minutes after the last caltrain left. So, having done a test run from Palo Alto to Millbrae (the sourthern-most point for the BART (subway) on this side of the bay), taking about 18 miles, 2-3 hours, I decided it was quite doable. With this in mind, I brought my bike via caltrain to Millbrae and left it at the caltrain station.

Unfortunately, I completely failed to factor in the possibility of weather. 'cause, you know, we don't usually get weather here. It's just sun. Nice sun. Sometimes a confused cloud or two. And in the rare occasions, it rains. Very rare.

So I landed. And cursed at the drippy skies. Deciding I still didn't want to pay the stupid cab fare, nor did I want to bother friends up in SF, or call up my senpai down in Mountain View, I decided to tough it out, be a guy, etc. Swinging by the local Walgreens, I picked up a poncho and got started.

Am home now. Everything below the knees was wet. And my face and glasses. But otherwise, not too bad. Just uncomfortable.

And this time it only took me 2 hours and 15 minutes. 18 miles in the rain. Whee.

(Hmmm, looks like my downstairs neighbor has moved out. Don't see their wifi access point anymore. Poo. Borrowing one named "Metaverse", but I guess this means I really need to complete my move to the new apartment which has internet, but doesn't have a bed or other slightly less important stuff...)

The one in Palo Alto has finally opened. Stopped by to see what they had - there were a number of pre-made, heat-and-eat meals for under $5. I always thought they were a pricy, all-natural / more expensive place, kinda like Whole Foods. Glad I'm wrong.

The only sad thing is it'll no longer be on my commute route when I finish moving to my new place. Although honestly, it's close enough I could visit, then turn around and head home... (I think there's another Trader Joes closer to my apartment too)

Collection of things I've been puttering around with and have finally posted.

First, the last five "She" drabbles:

She's a Lady | G | 100 words | complete
Harry Potter, Lily(/James)
I'm Just a Girl | PG | 100 words | complete
Stargate SG-1, Sam(/Jack implied)
This One's Mine | G | 100 words | complete
Eureka, Allison(/Carter implied, /Stark UST)
The Lady in Red | PG | 100 words | complete
Harry Potter, Hermione(/Ron) and Ginny(/Harry)
Hard to Concentrate | G | 100 words | complete
Babylon 5, Delenn(/Sheridan)

Also, the last imaginarybeasts issue went live, with one of my stories in it, accompanied by some lovely art.

Shoshana Finklestein and the Hanukkah Miracle | G | 2091 words | complete

Had an otherwise productive day, too, so that's nice also.